Responding to Racism as a Foster or Adoptive Parent

I had almost finished checking out at the grocery when my infant son, buckled in his car seat atop my shopping cart, began grunting and holding out his arms - asking to be held. I released the buckles and cuddled him as a helpful clerk put my bags in the cart.

The cashier commented, “His dad must be really dark.”

“Probably,” I said. “I’ve never met him.” Then I pushed my cart toward the door.

If your foster or adoptive family is multiracial or from a community of color, you have likely faced microaggressions like this or discrimination, hostility, exclusion, or other forms of racism. Knowing how to respond can be tough, especially when you’re caught off guard. A few guiding ideas from experts, other families, and my own experience have helped me.

Talk about it. Don’t condone racism with silence. Anytime we encounter racism we should be quick to name it and explain why it isn’t acceptable. Discussing examples of racism in media can be a good way to talk about these issues in an environment that feels safe. Unfortunately, you probably won’t have to look very hard to find racists jokes or stereotypes in movies, TV shows, and social media or accounts of discrimination or aggression in the news. Use these opportunities to be clear about why you value diversity and how racism harms individuals, families, and society. When you experience racism with your child, call it racism and respond in a way that protects your child. Encourage your children to talk about their encounters with racism so that you can give comfort, validate their feelings, and help them come up with ways to respond.

Always externalize racism. When people do or say hurtful things to children because of their race, they need to know racism is about what the other person doesn’t know or doesn’t understand. Be clear that it has nothing to do with the child’s skills, qualities, or value. That doesn’t mean being dismissive of the pain that your child might feel. It means explaining that racism comes from someone else’s ignorance. We don’t want children to give any credence to the idea that they are in any way less than other people or their family is less than other families.

When racism comes from strangers, pick your battles. When a stranger makes a remark that is insensitive, but probably not meant to be mean-spirited, you might be able to point out why it is offensive. For example, if someone asks, “Where is she from?” or “Are they your real kids?” you might say, “Would you ask that if they were white?” (or whatever race is appropriate to your family situation). You could also turn the comment back on the person it came from with a question like, “Why would you say that?” When you encounter malice, it may not be worth investing the time or effort to try to educate. Instead, you might say something that ends the conversation, such as, “I'm sorry, I don’t think I know you.” Or it might be safer to simply ignore the person or leave the situation.

Keep in mind that you are setting an example for your child. I want my kids to know that I will stick up for them, but I also need to keep them safe. As a middle-aged, white woman, I might be able to do or say some things with little risk, but I need to consider what the risks might be to my brown son if he did or said something similar as a teen or young adult. Talk to your kids about what kinds of responses feel most comfortable to them. Whatever response you choose, be sure to process the experience with your child.

When racism come from someone you have a relationship with, focus on your child’s well-being as you try to educate and inform. For example, a school professional that worked with one of my children, once suggested that he was “lucky” to have “escaped” from the culture of his biological family. I knew this person genuinely cared about my son, so I took the time to have a conversation. I explained that I felt inexpressibly lucky to have him in our family but knew that being separated from his biological family and their culture was a tragic loss. I told her about ways we were trying to preserve that connection. Then I asked her if she had ideas about how to help with that in the school environment. Her perspective shifted.

If a friend, family member, or colleague is unresponsive to your efforts, your child’s well-being needs to be your top priority. You may need to limit your child’s exposure to that person or end the relationship altogether.

When racism come from a group or institution, advocate for change. If your child is facing racism in school, on a sports team, in a club, within a faith community, or from any other organization, address it. Talk to whomever might be able to influence the organization’s culture. Or write letters, send emails, or sponsor a forum. Seek allies among other families that participate in the organization. If your children are old enough and feel safe doing so, involving them in the process can be empowering. How and with whom could they share their perspective and experience? What do they think is they best way to bring change? If an organization won’t change, you may need to leave. Talk to your kids about what is at stake for them and if it is better to fight the fight or cut your losses.

In the time and place that we live, racism is unavoidable for my children of color. They will sometimes experience the world differently than I do because of that. Until that changes, I hope the way I respond always affirms their value as an irreplaceable and infinitely precious part of my family and the world.

For more information, and perspectives from other families with lived experience see https://www.splcenter.org/20070103/beyond-golden-rule

A version of this article appeared in the May/Jun 2021 issue of Fostering Families Today.